Who Are You In The Equation?

There was a quote on “Why Did I Get Married Too” that really stood out to me and I've had it semi stuck in my head ever since. Sheila tells Troy, “It's so hard to be with a good man, after being with a bad one.” Troy responds, “It's even harder to be with a good woman, after she's had a bad man.”

The two quotes make so much sense to me and I think Tyler Perry was on point for including them in the script. We don't often realize the struggle that one party is going through, or we realize but may make light of it. Either we think well I'm here to fill this void and treat them the way they should be. Or on the flip side, give the person a hard time, act unappreciative and respond as if they owe it to us to be a certain way, as if they're the one that hurt us and have to compensate for it. I've experienced these situations from both Sheila and Troy's point of views and can honestly say that what they said was nothing but the truth!

First, from Sheila's point of view, I can relate because after dealing with someone that's no good, you tend to look at dating and potential partners in a different way. It's generally nothing that the new person has done, it's simply due to being hurt previously. The slightest similarity that you see in a potential date that can be compared to your last partner, will make you nervous, scared, upset and probably cause you to back away. Your guard is always up and you could end up losing out on someone that treats you how you want to be treated. You've been hurt so much that you don't realize when you're being treated good. It sounds crazy, but after being treated a certain way for an amount of time, you get used to it and it becomes the norm. So the instance someone treats you good, the way you should be treated, you get defensive and suspicious.

On the flip-side, I understand Troy's response as well. Mainly because dealing with someone who has been hurt or scorned is hard and can be extremely aggravating. You find yourself at battle to prove that you aren't their last woman/man and that you're different. Unfortunately, words don't usually suffice to prove this and at times neither do actions. It becomes a point where you will ask yourself, do you really care that much about the person to wait for them to come around or should you just give up and give them their space.

There's a third part to this and while Tyler Perry kept it very peachy and cream and left it out the movie, more than often this little part is included in real life. The third part is that we sometimes use both of the aforementioned situations as crutches or excuses, when really we just don't want to be bothered with someone. In the past, I can remember several times when I've used the excuse, “I'm still hurt from the last person I dealt with.” Sometimes this will result in what you wanted and the person will leave you alone. Other times, the person will continue to show interest and attempt to be your “Troy” and walk through the healing process with you. Meanwhile, you are just not interested in the person, but don't want to come out and tell them. Back then my logic was always that, if I was to come right out and tell them, I'm not interested, that I'd hurt their feelings and mess up a potential or existing friendship. But, when you think about it, they'll be more over it when they realize they've wasted so much of their time trying to be there for you and you didn't want them there. So now I try to just be upfront and truthful and let them know the deal from the gate, to avoid this. The first approach can be detrimental to friendships and other types of relationships.

So which do you think is worst: 1.) Having a good man/woman after being hurt by a bad one. 2.) Having a good man/woman, after they've been hurt by a bad one. OR 3.) Being somewhere stuck in the middle not knowing which way to turn?

Comments/Questions/Concerns Appreciated.