Who Loves Who More?

Last Sunday evening, while posted up against a brownstone in New York City, a few friends and I had a conversation about life, goals, aspirations and of course love/relationships. One part of the conversation, specifically stuck out from everything else mentioned and although I read about this awhile ago, it made ten times more sense when hearing it this second time. What one of them said was, "there will always be one mate who loves the other more.".

Most people would relate this person to be the more submissive partner and/or the female in the relationship, but that's not necessarily true. The person who "loves more" isn't characterized by their income, sexual role, educational background or sex. The person who "loves more" can't be put into any kind of categorical theory. They're simply the person who's feelings are more attached and involved with that other individual.

As I stated above, you can not pinpoint who this person is by demographics. However, there are certain traits or behaviors that these people usually possess that let a person know who's more in love out of the two. Below, are some of the signs of the mate who loves the other more:

1. The person who is always willing to forgive and forget, even when they know they're not in the wrong.

2. The person whom is more likely to want and spend time with just their mate, versus hanging out with friends or doing group activities.

3. The person who is always willing to go through the most extreme measures to make their mate happy.

4. The person who has and is willing to sacrifice the most in order to make the relationship work.

5. The person willing to postpone their life plans if needed just to accommodate yours and life for the two of you.

Looking at this list can make you almost scared to want to be in love, but it shouldn't. Most people would probably say that the examples listed above are behaviors of a weak individual or someone who is "whipped", not the case necessarily in every case. Some people are just simply more compassionate, more intimate and more understanding. They're doing what comes natural to them for someone they love. If their mate is doing their part and they're happy, then there's nothing wrong with it.

However, if the mate isn't doing what they're suppose to and the person is not happy then the above can be labeled as signs of weakness. Love is an emotion which has the ability to make a person weak, temporarily. After a certain period of time, its no longer love which is making you weak, but yourself. That's totally different and a whole other subject for another blog.

In no way is this blog meant to put down the mate that loves the other more. In all actuality, I salute you and dedicate this blog to you. You are the glue that hold the pieces together. But, never stop chasing your dreams in order to chase someone.

Who Are You In The Equation?

There was a quote on “Why Did I Get Married Too” that really stood out to me and I've had it semi stuck in my head ever since. Sheila tells Troy, “It's so hard to be with a good man, after being with a bad one.” Troy responds, “It's even harder to be with a good woman, after she's had a bad man.”

The two quotes make so much sense to me and I think Tyler Perry was on point for including them in the script. We don't often realize the struggle that one party is going through, or we realize but may make light of it. Either we think well I'm here to fill this void and treat them the way they should be. Or on the flip side, give the person a hard time, act unappreciative and respond as if they owe it to us to be a certain way, as if they're the one that hurt us and have to compensate for it. I've experienced these situations from both Sheila and Troy's point of views and can honestly say that what they said was nothing but the truth!

First, from Sheila's point of view, I can relate because after dealing with someone that's no good, you tend to look at dating and potential partners in a different way. It's generally nothing that the new person has done, it's simply due to being hurt previously. The slightest similarity that you see in a potential date that can be compared to your last partner, will make you nervous, scared, upset and probably cause you to back away. Your guard is always up and you could end up losing out on someone that treats you how you want to be treated. You've been hurt so much that you don't realize when you're being treated good. It sounds crazy, but after being treated a certain way for an amount of time, you get used to it and it becomes the norm. So the instance someone treats you good, the way you should be treated, you get defensive and suspicious.

On the flip-side, I understand Troy's response as well. Mainly because dealing with someone who has been hurt or scorned is hard and can be extremely aggravating. You find yourself at battle to prove that you aren't their last woman/man and that you're different. Unfortunately, words don't usually suffice to prove this and at times neither do actions. It becomes a point where you will ask yourself, do you really care that much about the person to wait for them to come around or should you just give up and give them their space.

There's a third part to this and while Tyler Perry kept it very peachy and cream and left it out the movie, more than often this little part is included in real life. The third part is that we sometimes use both of the aforementioned situations as crutches or excuses, when really we just don't want to be bothered with someone. In the past, I can remember several times when I've used the excuse, “I'm still hurt from the last person I dealt with.” Sometimes this will result in what you wanted and the person will leave you alone. Other times, the person will continue to show interest and attempt to be your “Troy” and walk through the healing process with you. Meanwhile, you are just not interested in the person, but don't want to come out and tell them. Back then my logic was always that, if I was to come right out and tell them, I'm not interested, that I'd hurt their feelings and mess up a potential or existing friendship. But, when you think about it, they'll be more over it when they realize they've wasted so much of their time trying to be there for you and you didn't want them there. So now I try to just be upfront and truthful and let them know the deal from the gate, to avoid this. The first approach can be detrimental to friendships and other types of relationships.

So which do you think is worst: 1.) Having a good man/woman after being hurt by a bad one. 2.) Having a good man/woman, after they've been hurt by a bad one. OR 3.) Being somewhere stuck in the middle not knowing which way to turn?

Comments/Questions/Concerns Appreciated.

I'm Back

Wassup Subscribers, Readers, Fans, Friends and Fam! It is I, Duante', checking in. I know it's been awhile and I've been slacking, but I've been living life and learning lessons. Which on the good side means more blogs to post because I post from experience. This post isn't too deep, just wanted to say hello to everyone. Thank you for being a loyal reader and sticking with me through this journey called, “life”.

Cheaters Never Prosper

Wassup Readers! A subscriber of mine contacted me and asked if I could write and post an entry on cheating in reference to romantic relationships. Because I value each and every person that reads and responds to my blog, here you go.

Cheating is one of the most major causes that end relationships. Why do people cheat? From observation and even once being guilty myself, it's due to a person being greedy. Most people "want their cake and eat it to", is the most common quote associated with this dishonest act. Humans like options and choices. There are many things that can cause a person to cheat and while some of the reasons may seem valid, at the end of the day they aren't. The reason I say they aren't valid reasons for cheating is because if you had to deal with something you felt was that wrong that you needed to go out and cheat, you could have just as easy broke off the relationship and did your own thing.

Many people believe "once a cheater, always a cheater.". I don't agree with that quote, I think all people are capable of changing for the better, now whether they do or not is what one must ask them self.

Often the blame and daggers are thrown at the person cheating that's in the relationship, which a large amount should go to. But, I've always wondered why does the person who knows someone has a mate still pursue them? How do they feel knowing that they are a 2nd choice and can't even really be acknowledged. Often times the cheatee thinks that thje person will soon leave their mate to be with them, which chances are slim to none. And if in fact they do, can you honestly trust this person? They've been cheating on their last partner all this time with you, do you believe it won't happen to you? And for the cheater, can you trust this new partner when he/she was fine creeping with you while you were in a relationship. Clearly they don't value relationships between two people too strongly.

All these are things to consider. Never leave the one you love, for the one you like. Or do anything that may jeopardize your relationship and cause them to end up leaving you.

Feedback is always appreciated.

What If...

As humans we are always faced with options, at least two in most circumstances. Do I go right or left? Up or Down? In or Out? You get the point. And whichever option we choose, we're left sometimes wondering what if we would have chose the other route, so to speak.

We tend to most times take whichever route is safer and in a lot of circumstances this makes perfect sense. For example, when speaking of how to get home, safer sex methods, landing a job, etc., then yes go with the way that is most familiar.

But, I'm more-so writing about day to day interactions, affairs of the heart and other things such as that. When it comes to decisions such as those I think it is important to sometimes take the route that's not so safe.

You will never experience anything, unless you sometimes take chances. You could potentially end up passing over the one meant for you because you were scared to go against the grain. Whether it be you're nervous about what your family or friends will have to say? Their past. If you'll will click and hit it off? Go ahead and take the chance to find out. Who knows, you may meet the love of your life and be together for a long time.

This doesn't only apply to your love life, but other areas too. From the professional side, most businesses are scared to change their marketing techniques or advertising strategies because of the fear of losing profit. But, WHAT IF, the new advertising did just the opposite and actually increased revenue?

Another example, you woke up one morning and remembered a dream you'd had the night before. You go to the store to play your numbers and remember a number from that dream, but instead of playing it, you just play your same usual numbers. You watch television later on and the number from your dream comes out. What if you would have played it?

My point is that we miss out on a lot in life that we probably don't even realize because we are so worried about taking a chance. Daring to be different. You may miss out on a great opportunity simply because you chose to stick to the norm. You can't live your life scared to take chances and if you do then more than likely you will find yourself mumbling and/or thinking “what if...” all throughout it.

Skeletons In The Closet

I'm sure that most of my readers have heard the term, "everyone has skeletons in their closet" before. For those who haven't, wasn't sure of what exactly it meant, I'll break it down. Basically, what this phrase means is that everyone has done something in their past that they may not necessarily want folks to know about or have kept a secret.

This is such a true statement because everyone makes mistakes, life decisions that they aren't the most proud of when they look back on them and/or have did something that they probably shouldn't have. I'm a firm believer in the whole cliche' idea that "you should never regret anything in life, but simply take it as a life lesson and learn from it." That's really just because I'm very optimistic and always seem to find the positive of a situation, even when in the back of my head I may be cussing myself out for doing some dumb shit.

The purpose of this particular blog is to kind of provide some advice to folks on the whole skeletons in the closet thing. Far more times than often, I've seen where people have remained friends, associates, etc. with someone simply because that person knew so much about them or their past. They feel trapped. They feel as if I must keep a certain connection with this person because the moment that I excommunicate myself with them, they will tell everything they know. They will let those skeletons on out of my closet and I don't want that. I honestly felt like this up until recently.

It comes a point when you have to realize that life is an ongoing lesson. Each day you are subject to experiencing different things and learning different lessons. You won't always get it right and you may sometimes do things you aren't proud of, but that's life. At least, you can say you've done it and it's taught you something. But, when you continue to hold on to these folks simply because you are scared of what they may release you are giving them control and power over your life. Each day you are walking on egg shells, being fake or phony, just to hopefully keep them from releasing these bones.

You can't allow someone to have that much control over your life. What doesn't kill you, will only make you a stronger person. If they aren't good for you, get them out your life. If they let the bones out the closet, at least you no longer have them holding anything over top of your head. What people don't realize too often is that once the skeletons fall out the closet, they will lay there for a minute for folks to observe and then will be swept up and thrown away. Meaning people may be in shock, disappointed, mad or whatever it may be for the moment. But, life goes on and it will be old news within minimal time.

Moral of the story, you make your life decisions, not anyone else. Never let someone feel they have power over you because of something they feel they have hanging over your head. The only people you need in your life, are the ones that need you in theirs. And if they aren't helping you, they are probably hurting your personal growth in some way.

A Drunken Mind, Speaks A Sober Heart

I can remember since about the age of 13 hearing my older relatives often speak the phrase, "A drunken mind will speak a sober heart." I often wondered what the hell wee these folks talking about. How could a heart be anything other than sober and why would your mind be drunk? It wasn't until later on in life, that I discovered the meaning behind this phrase that I had been hearing throughout my adolescent years.

What the phrase means is basically that a person is able to say exactly what they are thinking, how they feel or what's in their heart when they are under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs. Often times people, men especially, are afraid of being vulnerable and/or expressing their true feelings toward issues, but get them drunk or high and they can be some of the most emotional beings you've ever witnessed.

The hard part is often determining, is this how they feel or if they are acting out of anger or spite. Or perhaps they are just really drunk and speaking out their ass. I think you are able to determine which of the choices it is by the way they deliver the content, the emotion in it and body language.

The sad part is that you can never get this same raw, uncensored, true emotion and dialogue from some people unless they are in a state of inebriation. I remember judging a person’s feelings for me off of how they acted and what they would say to me when they were drunk, simply because that was the only time they would open up. Sucks huh?

So do you agree with the phrase? Does it bother you that the only time you can get someone’s real feelings out, is when they are drunk? Should you take what a drunken person says seriously? Are these words actually coming from the heart? What are your thoughts?

What Makes A Healthy Realtionship?

Wassup Readers! I hope you enjoyed and learned something from my last post. I was requested to blog about a specific issue and because I love my followers, readers, etc. I'm granting the request. Enjoy!

I was asked to blog about, whether or not I would talk, date, enter into a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with some type of incurable, long-term, or terminal disease; cancer, HIV, Lupus, Diabetes, etc. The following paragraphs are solely my personal views and take on the situation; you know yourself better than anyone and should make the decision best for you. I picked this title because a persons physical health isn't what necessarily makes the relationship unhealthy? There's a lot of other things that can be changed, that often times make the relationship unhealthy.

When getting to know people, more than often we don't necessarily ask questions about the person’s health. And if you are just getting to know someone then I personally don't feel that they are obliged to divulge their entire medical history to you. Now, when you begin actually dating and becoming intimate, I do believe that if there is any chance of the person potentially acquiring something from the other person, then it should be discussed prior.

Once this is disclosed, you then have to figure out a few things. One, before learning of the person’s health situation, were you really into them and wanted to pursue a relationship with them? Are you prepared for the task of possibly having to help them during times when their illness has them feeling under the weather? Are you able to deal with trips to the doctor/hospital if they occur? Are you prepared to possibly alter some of the activities that you normally participate in with your partner, if need be?

If you can handle these things and really like the person, than I say go for it, I would. I remember someone asking on twitter, "Would you date someone who had HIV?" My answer was yes because if I honestly like the person and am feeling them, then why not. If you are taking the proper precautions that you should be taking anyway, then what is the difference? I think a lot of folks have messed with people that may have some sort of illness and just never bothered to ask, therefore not knowing and ASSUMING that they are fine. So in one sense, it is almost easier when you know what you are dealing with, because you're not taking chances and getting caught up. Everyone deserves to be loved and if you are truly feeling someone than I don't think that certain things should play too big of a position in you continuing to. Research and find out about whatever the illness is and prepare yourself ahead of time. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't feel everyone is strong enough to deal with certain situations, but for those that are, go for it. Cancer, Lupus, HIV, Diabetes, etc., are not death sentences in this day and age and so it is possible for the two of you to have a healthy, long lasting relationship still. Don't miss out on someone that makes you happy and you can build something with, if you are able to deal with the situation at hand.

I'd love to see some of the responses of my readers of this. Would you date or pursue a relationship with someone who had some sort of illness? Why or Why not?

Stereotypes & Misconceptions

This entry will be a little different than any other blog entry I've posted thus far. As, you read, you may or may not agree. Enjoy.

For about as long as there have been people of different sizes, ethnicities, races, genders, sexualities and economic classes, there's been stereotypes. Stereotypes are developed when people generalize a group of similar individuals after observing or hearing of them doing something or acting out in some manner and then begin associating all similar people with those actions. Many people argue, "Some stereotypes are true", when in actuality they are not. In order for it to be true every person that you are labeling under that umbrella must have those same actions and or behavior that you are accusing the mass amount of people of.

Stereotypes are ignorant no matter who they are generalizing and pointing the blame to. We are all guilty of unconsciously stereotyping someone at some point in time, but what I'm writing about is the blatant ignorance and misunderstanding of those who know exactly what they are saying when stereotyping and labeling someone.

To move on to my entry for today, lately I've been receiving messages, reading on social networks and have had conversations with friends regarding the negative connotation associated with participants and patrons of the Ballroom Community. For my readers who are unaware of what the Ballroom Community is, please refer to www.youtube.com and type in Paris Is Burning. Or try googling LGBT Ballroom community or something of the sort. Any who, I've observed more than often, that when people find out that people are participants of Ballroom, also commonly called; ballroom kids, house kids, house queens, etc., they're attitude and demeanor towards them shifts in a negative way. People often associate Ballroom participants with crafting (credit card fraud, stealing, identity theft), being flamboyantly gay, having a lack of education, being unemployed, being drug users or working as prostitutes and escorts. In no way am I saying that the aforementioned things don't take place in the Ballroom Scene, but it is not done by everyone. In addition, I know many heterosexual and homosexual people that are non-ballroom that fit under many of those same categories.

The part that I find most funny about this topic, well not funny, but more so sad, is that the main people who judge, ridicule and/or shun the ballroom community are homosexuals themselves. Homosexuals are oppressed people as is, but yet they are broken down further to be oppressed by thee oppressed. I've heard some of the most feminine boys say "that's too gay for me", referring to the ballroom scene. Then, I see the same feminine boy in booty short and dancing bent over at the club. I like to refer to this as the "your gay is, gayer than mine" syndrome. This is when you have a homosexual judging another as if they are better because of some type of masculinity or other characteristic that they feel they have over the other homosexual that makes them better. It doesn't, you're both homosexuals.

The problem is actually the fact that they don't understand the ballroom scene or either just don't feel it's for them. These are two totally different things. If you find the scene is not for you and choose not to participate that is your choice. The problem comes in when people who don't understand it or choose not to participate want to judge the folks that do choose to. In most cases, these people have never attended a ball or met some of the quality people within the scene. But, because of what they've heard and seen a few ballroom participants do, they feel they have it all figured out and US all summed up.

It's funny because I received an anonymous message that stated, "You are so sexy, too bad you’re a house kid." I laughed profusely after reading the message and was puzzled as to why that was too bad and who was it too bad for? Surely not me. I'm sure this person knows nothing more about me than I'm cute and in the ballroom scene. Not knowing that while I'm participating in the ballroom scene and conquering my category, I'm also conquering life in the real world. I have my own and ask no one for anything, have a Bachelor's, not living at home, never been in legal troubles other than traffic violations, etc. But, yet all he seen was ballroom scene and labeled me as a pity. And I'm not the only one. Ballroom houses some of the most talented, educated, gifted, successful and creative people that I've ever met. His mistake.

I say all this to say, that you cannot generalize a whole group or population of people based off your experiences, observations or hearsay that has occurred in some. When you generalize and stereotype you are the one who looks ignorant, not them. The reason we will never be able to get anything done as a community is because we are too busy ripping each other apart to try and make ourselves look better. You've been oppressed yourself, so why oppress the folks going through the same struggles as you. This is no different than Black people and the whole light skin and dark skin issue.

Wake up people, ignorance is blast.