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Who Loves Who More?

Last Sunday evening, while posted up against a brownstone in New York City, a few friends and I had a conversation about life, goals, aspirations and of course love/relationships. One part of the conversation, specifically stuck out from everything else mentioned and although I read about this awhile ago, it made ten times more sense when hearing it this second time. What one of them said was, "there will always be one mate who loves the other more.".

Most people would relate this person to be the more submissive partner and/or the female in the relationship, but that's not necessarily true. The person who "loves more" isn't characterized by their income, sexual role, educational background or sex. The person who "loves more" can't be put into any kind of categorical theory. They're simply the person who's feelings are more attached and involved with that other individual.

As I stated above, you can not pinpoint who this person is by demographics. However, there are certain traits or behaviors that these people usually possess that let a person know who's more in love out of the two. Below, are some of the signs of the mate who loves the other more:

1. The person who is always willing to forgive and forget, even when they know they're not in the wrong.

2. The person whom is more likely to want and spend time with just their mate, versus hanging out with friends or doing group activities.

3. The person who is always willing to go through the most extreme measures to make their mate happy.

4. The person who has and is willing to sacrifice the most in order to make the relationship work.

5. The person willing to postpone their life plans if needed just to accommodate yours and life for the two of you.

Looking at this list can make you almost scared to want to be in love, but it shouldn't. Most people would probably say that the examples listed above are behaviors of a weak individual or someone who is "whipped", not the case necessarily in every case. Some people are just simply more compassionate, more intimate and more understanding. They're doing what comes natural to them for someone they love. If their mate is doing their part and they're happy, then there's nothing wrong with it.

However, if the mate isn't doing what they're suppose to and the person is not happy then the above can be labeled as signs of weakness. Love is an emotion which has the ability to make a person weak, temporarily. After a certain period of time, its no longer love which is making you weak, but yourself. That's totally different and a whole other subject for another blog.

In no way is this blog meant to put down the mate that loves the other more. In all actuality, I salute you and dedicate this blog to you. You are the glue that hold the pieces together. But, never stop chasing your dreams in order to chase someone.

Who Are You In The Equation?

There was a quote on “Why Did I Get Married Too” that really stood out to me and I've had it semi stuck in my head ever since. Sheila tells Troy, “It's so hard to be with a good man, after being with a bad one.” Troy responds, “It's even harder to be with a good woman, after she's had a bad man.”

The two quotes make so much sense to me and I think Tyler Perry was on point for including them in the script. We don't often realize the struggle that one party is going through, or we realize but may make light of it. Either we think well I'm here to fill this void and treat them the way they should be. Or on the flip side, give the person a hard time, act unappreciative and respond as if they owe it to us to be a certain way, as if they're the one that hurt us and have to compensate for it. I've experienced these situations from both Sheila and Troy's point of views and can honestly say that what they said was nothing but the truth!

First, from Sheila's point of view, I can relate because after dealing with someone that's no good, you tend to look at dating and potential partners in a different way. It's generally nothing that the new person has done, it's simply due to being hurt previously. The slightest similarity that you see in a potential date that can be compared to your last partner, will make you nervous, scared, upset and probably cause you to back away. Your guard is always up and you could end up losing out on someone that treats you how you want to be treated. You've been hurt so much that you don't realize when you're being treated good. It sounds crazy, but after being treated a certain way for an amount of time, you get used to it and it becomes the norm. So the instance someone treats you good, the way you should be treated, you get defensive and suspicious.

On the flip-side, I understand Troy's response as well. Mainly because dealing with someone who has been hurt or scorned is hard and can be extremely aggravating. You find yourself at battle to prove that you aren't their last woman/man and that you're different. Unfortunately, words don't usually suffice to prove this and at times neither do actions. It becomes a point where you will ask yourself, do you really care that much about the person to wait for them to come around or should you just give up and give them their space.

There's a third part to this and while Tyler Perry kept it very peachy and cream and left it out the movie, more than often this little part is included in real life. The third part is that we sometimes use both of the aforementioned situations as crutches or excuses, when really we just don't want to be bothered with someone. In the past, I can remember several times when I've used the excuse, “I'm still hurt from the last person I dealt with.” Sometimes this will result in what you wanted and the person will leave you alone. Other times, the person will continue to show interest and attempt to be your “Troy” and walk through the healing process with you. Meanwhile, you are just not interested in the person, but don't want to come out and tell them. Back then my logic was always that, if I was to come right out and tell them, I'm not interested, that I'd hurt their feelings and mess up a potential or existing friendship. But, when you think about it, they'll be more over it when they realize they've wasted so much of their time trying to be there for you and you didn't want them there. So now I try to just be upfront and truthful and let them know the deal from the gate, to avoid this. The first approach can be detrimental to friendships and other types of relationships.

So which do you think is worst: 1.) Having a good man/woman after being hurt by a bad one. 2.) Having a good man/woman, after they've been hurt by a bad one. OR 3.) Being somewhere stuck in the middle not knowing which way to turn?

Comments/Questions/Concerns Appreciated.

I'm Back

Wassup Subscribers, Readers, Fans, Friends and Fam! It is I, Duante', checking in. I know it's been awhile and I've been slacking, but I've been living life and learning lessons. Which on the good side means more blogs to post because I post from experience. This post isn't too deep, just wanted to say hello to everyone. Thank you for being a loyal reader and sticking with me through this journey called, “life”.

Cheaters Never Prosper

Wassup Readers! A subscriber of mine contacted me and asked if I could write and post an entry on cheating in reference to romantic relationships. Because I value each and every person that reads and responds to my blog, here you go.

Cheating is one of the most major causes that end relationships. Why do people cheat? From observation and even once being guilty myself, it's due to a person being greedy. Most people "want their cake and eat it to", is the most common quote associated with this dishonest act. Humans like options and choices. There are many things that can cause a person to cheat and while some of the reasons may seem valid, at the end of the day they aren't. The reason I say they aren't valid reasons for cheating is because if you had to deal with something you felt was that wrong that you needed to go out and cheat, you could have just as easy broke off the relationship and did your own thing.

Many people believe "once a cheater, always a cheater.". I don't agree with that quote, I think all people are capable of changing for the better, now whether they do or not is what one must ask them self.

Often the blame and daggers are thrown at the person cheating that's in the relationship, which a large amount should go to. But, I've always wondered why does the person who knows someone has a mate still pursue them? How do they feel knowing that they are a 2nd choice and can't even really be acknowledged. Often times the cheatee thinks that thje person will soon leave their mate to be with them, which chances are slim to none. And if in fact they do, can you honestly trust this person? They've been cheating on their last partner all this time with you, do you believe it won't happen to you? And for the cheater, can you trust this new partner when he/she was fine creeping with you while you were in a relationship. Clearly they don't value relationships between two people too strongly.

All these are things to consider. Never leave the one you love, for the one you like. Or do anything that may jeopardize your relationship and cause them to end up leaving you.

Feedback is always appreciated.

What If...

As humans we are always faced with options, at least two in most circumstances. Do I go right or left? Up or Down? In or Out? You get the point. And whichever option we choose, we're left sometimes wondering what if we would have chose the other route, so to speak.

We tend to most times take whichever route is safer and in a lot of circumstances this makes perfect sense. For example, when speaking of how to get home, safer sex methods, landing a job, etc., then yes go with the way that is most familiar.

But, I'm more-so writing about day to day interactions, affairs of the heart and other things such as that. When it comes to decisions such as those I think it is important to sometimes take the route that's not so safe.

You will never experience anything, unless you sometimes take chances. You could potentially end up passing over the one meant for you because you were scared to go against the grain. Whether it be you're nervous about what your family or friends will have to say? Their past. If you'll will click and hit it off? Go ahead and take the chance to find out. Who knows, you may meet the love of your life and be together for a long time.

This doesn't only apply to your love life, but other areas too. From the professional side, most businesses are scared to change their marketing techniques or advertising strategies because of the fear of losing profit. But, WHAT IF, the new advertising did just the opposite and actually increased revenue?

Another example, you woke up one morning and remembered a dream you'd had the night before. You go to the store to play your numbers and remember a number from that dream, but instead of playing it, you just play your same usual numbers. You watch television later on and the number from your dream comes out. What if you would have played it?

My point is that we miss out on a lot in life that we probably don't even realize because we are so worried about taking a chance. Daring to be different. You may miss out on a great opportunity simply because you chose to stick to the norm. You can't live your life scared to take chances and if you do then more than likely you will find yourself mumbling and/or thinking “what if...” all throughout it.

Skeletons In The Closet

I'm sure that most of my readers have heard the term, "everyone has skeletons in their closet" before. For those who haven't, wasn't sure of what exactly it meant, I'll break it down. Basically, what this phrase means is that everyone has done something in their past that they may not necessarily want folks to know about or have kept a secret.

This is such a true statement because everyone makes mistakes, life decisions that they aren't the most proud of when they look back on them and/or have did something that they probably shouldn't have. I'm a firm believer in the whole cliche' idea that "you should never regret anything in life, but simply take it as a life lesson and learn from it." That's really just because I'm very optimistic and always seem to find the positive of a situation, even when in the back of my head I may be cussing myself out for doing some dumb shit.

The purpose of this particular blog is to kind of provide some advice to folks on the whole skeletons in the closet thing. Far more times than often, I've seen where people have remained friends, associates, etc. with someone simply because that person knew so much about them or their past. They feel trapped. They feel as if I must keep a certain connection with this person because the moment that I excommunicate myself with them, they will tell everything they know. They will let those skeletons on out of my closet and I don't want that. I honestly felt like this up until recently.

It comes a point when you have to realize that life is an ongoing lesson. Each day you are subject to experiencing different things and learning different lessons. You won't always get it right and you may sometimes do things you aren't proud of, but that's life. At least, you can say you've done it and it's taught you something. But, when you continue to hold on to these folks simply because you are scared of what they may release you are giving them control and power over your life. Each day you are walking on egg shells, being fake or phony, just to hopefully keep them from releasing these bones.

You can't allow someone to have that much control over your life. What doesn't kill you, will only make you a stronger person. If they aren't good for you, get them out your life. If they let the bones out the closet, at least you no longer have them holding anything over top of your head. What people don't realize too often is that once the skeletons fall out the closet, they will lay there for a minute for folks to observe and then will be swept up and thrown away. Meaning people may be in shock, disappointed, mad or whatever it may be for the moment. But, life goes on and it will be old news within minimal time.

Moral of the story, you make your life decisions, not anyone else. Never let someone feel they have power over you because of something they feel they have hanging over your head. The only people you need in your life, are the ones that need you in theirs. And if they aren't helping you, they are probably hurting your personal growth in some way.

A Drunken Mind, Speaks A Sober Heart

I can remember since about the age of 13 hearing my older relatives often speak the phrase, "A drunken mind will speak a sober heart." I often wondered what the hell wee these folks talking about. How could a heart be anything other than sober and why would your mind be drunk? It wasn't until later on in life, that I discovered the meaning behind this phrase that I had been hearing throughout my adolescent years.

What the phrase means is basically that a person is able to say exactly what they are thinking, how they feel or what's in their heart when they are under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs. Often times people, men especially, are afraid of being vulnerable and/or expressing their true feelings toward issues, but get them drunk or high and they can be some of the most emotional beings you've ever witnessed.

The hard part is often determining, is this how they feel or if they are acting out of anger or spite. Or perhaps they are just really drunk and speaking out their ass. I think you are able to determine which of the choices it is by the way they deliver the content, the emotion in it and body language.

The sad part is that you can never get this same raw, uncensored, true emotion and dialogue from some people unless they are in a state of inebriation. I remember judging a person’s feelings for me off of how they acted and what they would say to me when they were drunk, simply because that was the only time they would open up. Sucks huh?

So do you agree with the phrase? Does it bother you that the only time you can get someone’s real feelings out, is when they are drunk? Should you take what a drunken person says seriously? Are these words actually coming from the heart? What are your thoughts?

What Makes A Healthy Realtionship?

Wassup Readers! I hope you enjoyed and learned something from my last post. I was requested to blog about a specific issue and because I love my followers, readers, etc. I'm granting the request. Enjoy!

I was asked to blog about, whether or not I would talk, date, enter into a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with some type of incurable, long-term, or terminal disease; cancer, HIV, Lupus, Diabetes, etc. The following paragraphs are solely my personal views and take on the situation; you know yourself better than anyone and should make the decision best for you. I picked this title because a persons physical health isn't what necessarily makes the relationship unhealthy? There's a lot of other things that can be changed, that often times make the relationship unhealthy.

When getting to know people, more than often we don't necessarily ask questions about the person’s health. And if you are just getting to know someone then I personally don't feel that they are obliged to divulge their entire medical history to you. Now, when you begin actually dating and becoming intimate, I do believe that if there is any chance of the person potentially acquiring something from the other person, then it should be discussed prior.

Once this is disclosed, you then have to figure out a few things. One, before learning of the person’s health situation, were you really into them and wanted to pursue a relationship with them? Are you prepared for the task of possibly having to help them during times when their illness has them feeling under the weather? Are you able to deal with trips to the doctor/hospital if they occur? Are you prepared to possibly alter some of the activities that you normally participate in with your partner, if need be?

If you can handle these things and really like the person, than I say go for it, I would. I remember someone asking on twitter, "Would you date someone who had HIV?" My answer was yes because if I honestly like the person and am feeling them, then why not. If you are taking the proper precautions that you should be taking anyway, then what is the difference? I think a lot of folks have messed with people that may have some sort of illness and just never bothered to ask, therefore not knowing and ASSUMING that they are fine. So in one sense, it is almost easier when you know what you are dealing with, because you're not taking chances and getting caught up. Everyone deserves to be loved and if you are truly feeling someone than I don't think that certain things should play too big of a position in you continuing to. Research and find out about whatever the illness is and prepare yourself ahead of time. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't feel everyone is strong enough to deal with certain situations, but for those that are, go for it. Cancer, Lupus, HIV, Diabetes, etc., are not death sentences in this day and age and so it is possible for the two of you to have a healthy, long lasting relationship still. Don't miss out on someone that makes you happy and you can build something with, if you are able to deal with the situation at hand.

I'd love to see some of the responses of my readers of this. Would you date or pursue a relationship with someone who had some sort of illness? Why or Why not?

Stereotypes & Misconceptions

This entry will be a little different than any other blog entry I've posted thus far. As, you read, you may or may not agree. Enjoy.

For about as long as there have been people of different sizes, ethnicities, races, genders, sexualities and economic classes, there's been stereotypes. Stereotypes are developed when people generalize a group of similar individuals after observing or hearing of them doing something or acting out in some manner and then begin associating all similar people with those actions. Many people argue, "Some stereotypes are true", when in actuality they are not. In order for it to be true every person that you are labeling under that umbrella must have those same actions and or behavior that you are accusing the mass amount of people of.

Stereotypes are ignorant no matter who they are generalizing and pointing the blame to. We are all guilty of unconsciously stereotyping someone at some point in time, but what I'm writing about is the blatant ignorance and misunderstanding of those who know exactly what they are saying when stereotyping and labeling someone.

To move on to my entry for today, lately I've been receiving messages, reading on social networks and have had conversations with friends regarding the negative connotation associated with participants and patrons of the Ballroom Community. For my readers who are unaware of what the Ballroom Community is, please refer to www.youtube.com and type in Paris Is Burning. Or try googling LGBT Ballroom community or something of the sort. Any who, I've observed more than often, that when people find out that people are participants of Ballroom, also commonly called; ballroom kids, house kids, house queens, etc., they're attitude and demeanor towards them shifts in a negative way. People often associate Ballroom participants with crafting (credit card fraud, stealing, identity theft), being flamboyantly gay, having a lack of education, being unemployed, being drug users or working as prostitutes and escorts. In no way am I saying that the aforementioned things don't take place in the Ballroom Scene, but it is not done by everyone. In addition, I know many heterosexual and homosexual people that are non-ballroom that fit under many of those same categories.

The part that I find most funny about this topic, well not funny, but more so sad, is that the main people who judge, ridicule and/or shun the ballroom community are homosexuals themselves. Homosexuals are oppressed people as is, but yet they are broken down further to be oppressed by thee oppressed. I've heard some of the most feminine boys say "that's too gay for me", referring to the ballroom scene. Then, I see the same feminine boy in booty short and dancing bent over at the club. I like to refer to this as the "your gay is, gayer than mine" syndrome. This is when you have a homosexual judging another as if they are better because of some type of masculinity or other characteristic that they feel they have over the other homosexual that makes them better. It doesn't, you're both homosexuals.

The problem is actually the fact that they don't understand the ballroom scene or either just don't feel it's for them. These are two totally different things. If you find the scene is not for you and choose not to participate that is your choice. The problem comes in when people who don't understand it or choose not to participate want to judge the folks that do choose to. In most cases, these people have never attended a ball or met some of the quality people within the scene. But, because of what they've heard and seen a few ballroom participants do, they feel they have it all figured out and US all summed up.

It's funny because I received an anonymous message that stated, "You are so sexy, too bad you’re a house kid." I laughed profusely after reading the message and was puzzled as to why that was too bad and who was it too bad for? Surely not me. I'm sure this person knows nothing more about me than I'm cute and in the ballroom scene. Not knowing that while I'm participating in the ballroom scene and conquering my category, I'm also conquering life in the real world. I have my own and ask no one for anything, have a Bachelor's, not living at home, never been in legal troubles other than traffic violations, etc. But, yet all he seen was ballroom scene and labeled me as a pity. And I'm not the only one. Ballroom houses some of the most talented, educated, gifted, successful and creative people that I've ever met. His mistake.

I say all this to say, that you cannot generalize a whole group or population of people based off your experiences, observations or hearsay that has occurred in some. When you generalize and stereotype you are the one who looks ignorant, not them. The reason we will never be able to get anything done as a community is because we are too busy ripping each other apart to try and make ourselves look better. You've been oppressed yourself, so why oppress the folks going through the same struggles as you. This is no different than Black people and the whole light skin and dark skin issue.

Wake up people, ignorance is blast.

Baggage

With the new year rapidly approaching, I've heard and seen many people discuss new years resolutions, gym plans and weight loss objectives, etc. I haven't heard pratically anyone discuss baggage. I know many of you at this point are like WTF is he typing about now, but just hear me, well in this case, read me out.

Every year we sit around and discuss the changes that we plan to make in the new year. What we will do and what we won't. What we'll eat and what we won't. But, whoever says, "I'm going to let xyz know how I feel about them and what they did to me and finally be at peace with myself. Forgive them and start the new year fresh, without the baggage I'm carrying of having hostility towards them or some sort of redemption." What people don't realize is that while you are devoting so much attention to not liking someone, they're enjoying their day not thinking about you, or possibly not even knowing they did or didn't do something wrong.

I remember reading this chain letter email of a speech by T.D. Jakes titled, "Let It Go". It basically talks about not holding on to things and letting them go. It explains basically reinterates the age old saying that "if it's meant to be, it'll be." But, then also says that sometimes it's just not for you and you need to just "LET IT GO." It talks about not holding on to friends that, aren't aren't friends, etc.

So transitioning into the new year let's not focus so much on what we plan to do when it arrives and concentrate more on the steps to take to make sure it doesn't end up like every other year. So leave the excess baggage in 2009, not allowing it to weigh you down.

A new year, brings a new beginning. A new milestone, a chance for you to recreate and rebuild.

A Man Scorned

So as we become closer to facing the dawn of another year, 2010. I find myself still left with a new years resolution, if you will, that has yet to have been accomplished from the year before. Anyone, that is familiar with my blog knows that my blog focuses primarily on love, relationships and any and everything inbetween. And so does last years resolution. There's an old saying that goes like this "it takes two times the amount of time to fall out of love with someone, than it took to fall in love with them." This is so true and while I can say that I did accomplish my resolution for the most part because I have stuck to not looking back, as far as the physical goes. Somewhere almost a year later, there's emotional or psychological ties that still aren't completely gone. I know that I'm not definitely still in love, but the love I have is still stronger than need be. Nonetheless, that isn't what this entry is about.

So keeping in mind the above text, as I've laid in the bed the last few nights, I've thought about and even tweeted about my vengence, scornful ways and resentment that I now hold towards a certain someone and towards a species in general for the most part. I can honestly say after sitting back and evaluating things that I have categorized a whole species of people based off of not just one persons downfalls, but others that I've came in contact with, as well as some of my own actions. The resentment that I hold towards this person, I'm choosing to let go because until I'm willing to let that go, I can't truly move on without blaming the next.

I hate the fact that I've become this type of dude, a "maneater" if you will. It's hard for me at this point to show emotion for the fear of being hurt again. Instead, it's so much easier to just focus on the physical and as long as I keep it at that level, I feel I'm safe with nothing to worry about. "Get them, before they get you", is how some people see it. Please don't get me wrong, it's not that I haven't actually been feeling some of the folks I've come in contact with, but my past experience has a way of rearing it's fuckin' head and I see some type of similarity and I instantly "flip out", I guess you could say and then I shut down. It's like I almost don't know how to take someone that is genuinely caring about me and wanting to get to know me. I turn into this evil azz person if you try and get too close and it's not cool. But, my guards are only up, because they were once so far down. I take compliments as someone running game and instantly consider how to make sure that they don't get the best of me. It's crazy!

I can't believe I'm typing this and still am unsure if I will actually publish this cause I've never gotten this personal and eXposed this much of my life for complete strangers and well known associates as well to read. But, as I sat here and considered the folks whom I may have had a similar effect on I guess this was my way of getting it all out and somewhat giving an apology or an explanation of myself and why I act like I do.

So now that I've analyzed the situation and realize that I can't or shouldn't just keep making others pay for someone else's mistakes or loss, what's next? I mean it just seems so much easier to say it, then to do it. Like it's extremely difficult to just block out the similar patterns, the kind ways, miserable friends, ex's, early morning phone calls, "the too good to be true" type shyt, etc. I guess it's a take it one day at a time type of thing and try to remember that I can't blame the next one, for the last mistake. Just as I preached not to blame me for the last ones and hold me to those standards.

The Grass Isn't Always Greener

Often times it seems as if we as humans are always looking for the next best thing. Unable to just appreciate and be happy with what or who it is that we already have in our possession. This is not necessarily always a bad trait, depending on what it is pertaining to because in life you should always strive for better. However, when it comes to dating and relationships, this is not always the case. In addition, what might seem “better” is not always necessarily that.

A quote that comes to mind is, “everything that glitters, isn’t gold.” The reason I mentioned this is because far too often, people are caught up on the physical appearance of things and do not see things for what they really are. I can wrap an empty box up in the prettiest wrapping paper with a big red bow, nonetheless once you rip off that outer layer; it is still an empty box. This was stated to say, that once you get past the cute surface of a person, there is not always more to know on the inside. The sad part is some will risk being happy and loving the person they’re with, for that shiny box. I’ve been there before and many shiny boxes down the line, I got the point.

Another great quote, which deals with this issue, is, “the grass is not always greener on the other side.” This quote speaks volumes about life, love and relationships. People are so quick to throw away what they have with the idea that they are going to gain so much more from the next. A cute face, phat ass, nice body, full lips, etc. are all great features, but after all that what do you really have?

There’s a rule called the 80/20 rule, I am almost certain I’ve typed about it in a past blog, but am not positive. Any who, the 80/20 rule can be described as the following. Choosing to remain or pick the person that is giving you 80% of what you want and/or need to complete you; physical, emotional, spiritual, etc. Versus choosing the 20, which is only giving you 20% of what you want and/or need; generally fulfilling a simple aspect that your current isn’t.

I believe a big part of this is also greed and the human notion that we want what we cannot have. Well not necessarily can’t have, but have to work towards. We love a chase, but is that chase worth risking losing your current love? It is so much easier to take the time and get that 80% to 100%, by working on that 20% area that you’re having problems in. Rather than, take a chance on someone that is only 20% satisfying and has 80% of nothing to offer to you.

Hopefully, I’ve shed some light on the situation and have helped some folks out or at least enlightened. Remember, beauty fades, so if that’s what you’re chasing after, you will be running all your life. Find someone who satisfies you in every aspect. Much Love.

Insecurities

I've observed over the years that many relationships encounter problems due to the insecurities of one mate or both. It seems as though people jump into these relationships thinking that they will be able to conquer anything without logically evaluating things first. First, I don't care what anyone says, that whole "love will conquer all" BS is just that BS! Not saying I don't believe in love, I'm just a realist and it's somethings that even for love you can't take.

Secondly, most of the time these insecurites that these people have stem from one of two places; their own shortcomings or trust issues. When I say their own short comings, I'm speaking of them knowing that they are liable to cheat, flirt, etc. and so they automatically assume that their mate will too. Or they feel that in some area of life or within them self they are lacking or don't feel complete. This is common in the beginning stages of relationships when trust hasn't yet really been completely built. Although, in a perfect world you wouldn't be in a relationship before building that level of trust in the first place. In addition, trust issues lead to insecurities because of the simple fact they don't trust their mate.

Next thing you know you're checking myspace messages, going through text messages, facebook, twitter, etc. And if you have to monitor all of these things to be with someone, then what's really the point? You can't be with someone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week so do you honestly think that if they are looking to cheat they won't? A relationship requires trust, not insecurities.

In conclusion, before entering into relationships evaluate them prior. There's no need to get into a relationship and be insecure. Attacking everyone that speaks to your mate, messages them, comes in contact witht them, checking social networks, etc. is not the answer. It will only make you look like an insecure psychopath.

That DAMN 4 Letter Word!

You guessed it! LOVE! Webster defines love as 1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

Now while I don't exactly think a dictionary which is man-made and written can tell me what love is, the definitions are close to what I believe it is. Now this blog is not about what love is and what love isn't because to a certain extent it kind of depends upon the person.

This is more about people throwing around the word love and the catch phrase "I love you." I've blogged about a similar subject, which I touched on folks so quick to call folks their "lovers." But, this time around I want to touch on folks being so quick to tell everyone they love them and if they honestly mean it or not.

For instance, a trick as old as my ancestors is someone, generally a guy, telling someone they love them, just to get into their draws or their wallet. There's also those folks who use the phrase "I love you", simply because their mate, partner, shing, date, etc. said it to them first. People! You are not obligated to tell someone that you love them simply because they told you! Also, folks don't be so quick to believe that they love you if the first time you hear "I love you" is during sex, sometimes it can kind of just come out because of the activities taking place. And they don't actually love you but they love what you do! ;) I've been guilty of this one myself, LOL.

One of the reasons this came about is because of a discussion I recently had with someone and as they shared their story about a certain individual and the things they had told them, it sound ALL too familiar. And when I say this I don't say it as like same script, but different cast, I'm saying same script, same actor. So as I listen it kind of threw me for a loop like wow this must be routine for this person and from the looks of things it works everytime.

Moving on I tweeted about a week ago, "is it possible for someone to be IN LOVE with more than one person at a time?" The responses somewhat varied but for the most part it was a majority of "no's!" Personally, I agree! I think you can love more than one person, have love for more than one person, but you can't be "in love" with more than one person, but apparently some can.

Back to the starting point. Why exactly are people so comfortable with using the phrase "I love you?" Do you tend to do more for a person after hearing those words? Do you feel like you have become any closer than you were 5 hours before you first was told that from them? Thoughts and opinions.

Equality

Wassup Folks! It's been a minute since I've came through and have spoke with you'll, but here I am! What I wanted to blog about real quick today is equality. From assumption one would probably think that I'm speaking of equality as far as rights for races, sexes or genders, but this entry is actually about equality when it comes to friendship.

For quite some time now and more-so recently, I've been battling with myself of whether I really actually get back what I put into some of my friendships with people I consider close to me. Are friendships suppose to be completely equal in terms of getting back, what you're putting into them? Should that person be there for you, just as much as you are for them? Is it right that you are always there, on call when they need you, but they can hardly pick up the phone to text, IM or call just to say hey and how are you doing? Do you feel these are things that you should have to address to someone who is supposedly a close friend or is it an unwritten rule?

I find myself often putting up with a lot of BS that the average person wouldn't when dealing with "friends". Friends argue, have disagreements, etc., but at the end of the day they should still be there and any issues you'll have should be resolved between the two of you, correct? I will never understand people that are quick to turn to their next friend and bash the "friend" they aren't getting along with at the time, really don't understand it. But, many times I have rationalized the idea in my head to find a way that made it ok, simply because I didn't want to be "mean" and end a friendship because of comfortbility or because I felt they were an individual that needed me in their life. But, when does it become about self and not your friends? When do you put yourself first? Is it after it's clear that most of the folks around you definitely do, that you decide to do the same?

The easy solution is to cut these people off, because some it almost seems BLATANT that the friendship is very one-sided and is about their needs and you are their shoulder to lean on, but don't look to be offered the same treatment. The hard part is that when you truly love and care about individuals it's just not that easy to let go.

What's your thoughts on this? Should friendships be 50/50 or is there always that's going to give more in the friendship than the other?

Are You Really "In Love" or Just Infatuated?

More than often I hear people using the word "I'm in love with him/her" or "my lover" or "I love..." and this is usually after they've known the person 3-4 weeks and I always wonder how are you sure and how do you know you are in love with someone after such a short period of time? Now, I'm not trying to put a timestamp on how long it takes for someone to fall in love, but I just honestly don't understand how you know someone well enough within a month to know that you are in love with this person. What gets me even more is that when it doesn't work out, these folks generally bounce right back and move on so quickly and repeat this same process right over again.

I truly believe that a lot of people don't understand the difference between being infatuated with someone and being in love with them. They can sometimes be confusing to decipher, but there are ways to tell one from the other. Now I'm not saying that because you have been with this person for a month you are just infatuated with this person and you can't be "in love" with them. Because that's not the case, although I don't believe you're in love with them after a month either. Perhaps you "have love for them", but I doubt you are "in love" with them. Once again this is only my opinion, me personally am not quick to tell someone I love them quick. I remember denying that I loved someone when close friends of mine kept telling me I was in love with them, simply because I wasn't ready to admit it.

Infatuation is this strong emotion that makes you willing to do lots of things for a person and think about them constantly, but it's generally because you are so physically attracted to them and/or your physical sessions. But, besides the physical there is nothing there. If the person was to be burned severly and their image be altered tomorrow, would you still feel that strongly about them and want to BE WITH THEM and not just BE THERE FOR THEM. Once you're in love with someone, you are willing to go to the depths for them and be with them throughout any situation that transpires.

The word "love" in general is thrown around so loosely for some folks that I find it to be funny. I never have been one to just throw the word around for two reasons. One, I realize how powerful that word is and the emotions that it can cause for a person. Two, after seeing the movie "A thin line between love and hate", I wanted no parts of no psycho bitches! LOL. But, seriously though I just think people should evaluate their actual emotions and situation before being so quick to spit out the three words "I Love You". If this person is feeling you, they still will be, whether they hear that from you or not. Don't rush love, let it come natural because regardless of what you think, you can't make yourself love someone. And sometimes it's better off that you don't.

So with that said, think back to your prior dealings and ask yourself were you really in love with that person or were you infatuated with them or just had love for them?

Good Sex vs. Bad Sex

*cues* Salt N Pepa - Let's Talk About Sex

First and foremost, my apologies to my subscribers and readers it's been a minute since I posted. Let's just say maybe I began to get addicted to that drug I blogged about awhile ago, but I'm back. I chose to not post anything too deep tonight, and to save that entry for sometime tomorrow, but I needed to post something. This is a very fun loving topic!

So I've heard my friends and overheard others often talk about the good sex they've had and who has good sex and then I've also heard about those who have just the opposite; bad sex. I remember when I was younger I never really could decipher the difference over what was "good sex" and what was "bad sex", but surely as I got older I learned what was what for me, LOL.

I've asked my friends, what makes sex, good sex? And I've gotten many different responses, such as talking during the session, moans, positions, tightness, wetness, the actions like throwing it back, etc. The one thing many of them didn't mention is the love they have for that person. For some reason that really helps to make sex GREAT to me and plays a major role in my performance. Because if I love that person, I'm gonna try my best to please them to the best of my ability and make them know it. Whereas, if it's on some jumpoff type shyt then I am moreso there to complete my mission of getting mine and being done. Anywho, aside from the love aspect, I do agree that some of those other things I listed above help to make sex "good" sex!

Now I've also asked what can make sex, not so great. And have heard everything from the sound of voice they were moaning and talking in, odors, looseness, tightness, breath, sizes, etc. Once again I can agree with some of these as well. I'll go ahead and be honest and put it out there, I use to couldn't stand talking during sex, it was so porno like to me, LOL. It made it seem less realistic and more scripted or something. BUT, I learned that sometimes you can't help but to talk because the words just start flowing on their own and that's hot! LMAO! Nonetheless, I want to see what you'll have to say so be sure to leave a comment.

What makes good sex and what makes for bad sex to you?

Possession is 9/10s of the Law

Waddup Folks, it's been about a week and I'm due for a new blog entry. This morning I want to talk about possessions and "possessive people" (sometimes known as obsessive people). As I think back to child hood, I can remember... Well actually first let me break down something, which is known to citizens of the U.S. as the 9/10s possession law. According to the U.S. government and it's laws, possession is 9/10s of the law, meaning if you are caught or have something in your possession at the time, then it is yours, unless you can prove otherwise. Funny thing is this works the reverse way, if you are unable to prove that someone has stole, borrowed, etc. something of yours and it's in their possession lawfully it's theirs, sorry to say.

Anyway, back to thinking back to my childhood. As a child I remember my aunts and even my mother at times, getting into it with their childrens' fathers girlfriends or female acquaintances. They often felt that because they were in the picture before the new chick, they had the right or duty to do or say what they wanted. Felt that they were able to go to him for whatever purpose they wanted, when they wanted. Now, to a certain extent I do understand this if and when a child is in the picture because at that point, then there must be some means of communication. But, more than often I noticed lots of females that didn't have babies by these men and still were claiming them as "theirs". I've always found this to be funny seeming as though, they are not the boys mother, nor father so he can't possibly be "yours". I would sit and watch as the bickering between the ex and the current would go back and forth and how silly it really all seemed. The ex had usually moved on and at times even had a new boyfriend, but still found it necessary to want to claim possession over her last boyfriend. I often times wondered how did this make her current boyfriend feel? To know that you are with someone that is so busy meddling in another persons personal life? I at times felt sorry for the girls because I thought that maybe they really were just that in love with them and that they couldn't come to copes with the idea of letting go. But, then their actions always proved that this hypothesis couldn't be possible.

Let me stop for a moment to say I'm not being subliminal at all and these are real life experiences to lead up to my main point at hand.

On with the story... I found that this couldn't be the case because the girls wouldn't have had multiple boyfriends after the ex that "would always be theirs". And in between boyfriends they did what needed to be done to fulfill their sexual needs. So how could they have possibly been so madly and deeply in love with this boy they just couldn't seem to let live his life.

Fast forwarding, it wasn't until recently that I realized that this just isn't a girl issue and some men suffer from this same sickness, yes sickness. A friend of mine, by the name of Ciara tried to tell me that boys do the same thing, they just aren't as obvious, but some definitely are.

I personally have never been be an possessive ex, I tend to go by the saying that “their an ex for a reason.” Whether it be my fault or theirs. I think the possession tends to come in when you are the one that has done wrong and so you are aimlessly looking to rectify and restore the damage in which you have ensued upon the person. Nonetheless, theirs a way that a person should go about it because the wrong way generally only furthermore proves why you are where you're at.

What makes a person feel that they have a hold over someone? Or that, that person is not entitled to move on with their life when they definitely have done so? Is it really they love them that much or is it the fact that they are scared someone will provide them with all the things they neglected to? Are they that selfish that they can't put their own selfish needs to the side? How do you claim someone as yours?

Ladies and gentlemen, please be adults about situations. Communication is key. Usually it can avoid things from becoming unpleasant and unprofessional. If you want to know something, ask. If you have a problem with something, express it, but do so in a tactful manner. People will be much more receptive and you may just find out that they don't even want what's "yours"! ;)

But in ending, if possession is 9/10s of the law and the person isn't in your possession, do you really own them? Think about it.

Positive Energy

I thought I'd take the time to post about something other than love and relationships because there's so much more I want to share. What I've chosen to write about at this time is the importance of surrounding yourself with the likes of positive people.

Many people don't realize the effect that surrounding yourself with positive people can have on your life, as well as the effects being around negative people can have. Growing up everyone wanted to be a part of the "IN" crowd and be around the popular kids. Often times these were some of those most pessimistic and vain people you would ever come across. But, at that age you didn't realize this and wouldn't have cared, you were happy as long as you were being acknowledged by the cool kids.

As I matured I realized that these "cool" people, were often the ones really searching for acceptance. Think about it for a second, they were always cracking jokes at others expense, looking to get a laugh out of the folks watching. They had to have the latest everything, so that they would feel elite. Some even "dumbed" themselves down, so that they wouldn't look like the smart kid because that wasn't considered cool. So while we sat back trying to gain acceptance from the "cool kids", they were all the while trying to gain that same acceptance from us. Trying to be things at times they truly weren't.

After having a few more years of life experiences under my belt, it really came full circle to me. These same folks that are always so negative and nasty are contributing to me not reaching the full potential that I can. The people that you hang around will begin to rub off on you, believe it or not. So if you are surrounding yourself with negative energy and are constantly being exposed to negativity, your thoughts will become just that. But, when you surround yourself with other positive people, people with goals and plans in life, you become motivated and will attempt ventures that you may have never dreamed of. The sky becomes the limit.

I've come to the point in my life where I often will distance myself from certain individuals and will avoid them at all cost because at this point I'm looking to excel and don't need anyone that's going to hinder that intentionally or unintentionally. These folks that are constantly ridiculing and tearing others down are the same folks that aren't happy with themselves. Their constant comments of others flaws are used to camouflage thier own insecurities. They're bitter and don't want to see anyone else happy and if you allow them to do so, they'll turn you into a person just like them.

This was not suppose to be a long entry lol. Anywho, bottom line is... surround yourself with positive people that are doing things, planning to do things and have a positive outlook on life. As long as you breathe in negativity, you will be hindered from your full potential. In the words of AJ Calloway, "Love, Live, Life!"