A Man Scorned

So as we become closer to facing the dawn of another year, 2010. I find myself still left with a new years resolution, if you will, that has yet to have been accomplished from the year before. Anyone, that is familiar with my blog knows that my blog focuses primarily on love, relationships and any and everything inbetween. And so does last years resolution. There's an old saying that goes like this "it takes two times the amount of time to fall out of love with someone, than it took to fall in love with them." This is so true and while I can say that I did accomplish my resolution for the most part because I have stuck to not looking back, as far as the physical goes. Somewhere almost a year later, there's emotional or psychological ties that still aren't completely gone. I know that I'm not definitely still in love, but the love I have is still stronger than need be. Nonetheless, that isn't what this entry is about.

So keeping in mind the above text, as I've laid in the bed the last few nights, I've thought about and even tweeted about my vengence, scornful ways and resentment that I now hold towards a certain someone and towards a species in general for the most part. I can honestly say after sitting back and evaluating things that I have categorized a whole species of people based off of not just one persons downfalls, but others that I've came in contact with, as well as some of my own actions. The resentment that I hold towards this person, I'm choosing to let go because until I'm willing to let that go, I can't truly move on without blaming the next.

I hate the fact that I've become this type of dude, a "maneater" if you will. It's hard for me at this point to show emotion for the fear of being hurt again. Instead, it's so much easier to just focus on the physical and as long as I keep it at that level, I feel I'm safe with nothing to worry about. "Get them, before they get you", is how some people see it. Please don't get me wrong, it's not that I haven't actually been feeling some of the folks I've come in contact with, but my past experience has a way of rearing it's fuckin' head and I see some type of similarity and I instantly "flip out", I guess you could say and then I shut down. It's like I almost don't know how to take someone that is genuinely caring about me and wanting to get to know me. I turn into this evil azz person if you try and get too close and it's not cool. But, my guards are only up, because they were once so far down. I take compliments as someone running game and instantly consider how to make sure that they don't get the best of me. It's crazy!

I can't believe I'm typing this and still am unsure if I will actually publish this cause I've never gotten this personal and eXposed this much of my life for complete strangers and well known associates as well to read. But, as I sat here and considered the folks whom I may have had a similar effect on I guess this was my way of getting it all out and somewhat giving an apology or an explanation of myself and why I act like I do.

So now that I've analyzed the situation and realize that I can't or shouldn't just keep making others pay for someone else's mistakes or loss, what's next? I mean it just seems so much easier to say it, then to do it. Like it's extremely difficult to just block out the similar patterns, the kind ways, miserable friends, ex's, early morning phone calls, "the too good to be true" type shyt, etc. I guess it's a take it one day at a time type of thing and try to remember that I can't blame the next one, for the last mistake. Just as I preached not to blame me for the last ones and hold me to those standards.