Skeletons In The Closet

I'm sure that most of my readers have heard the term, "everyone has skeletons in their closet" before. For those who haven't, wasn't sure of what exactly it meant, I'll break it down. Basically, what this phrase means is that everyone has done something in their past that they may not necessarily want folks to know about or have kept a secret.

This is such a true statement because everyone makes mistakes, life decisions that they aren't the most proud of when they look back on them and/or have did something that they probably shouldn't have. I'm a firm believer in the whole cliche' idea that "you should never regret anything in life, but simply take it as a life lesson and learn from it." That's really just because I'm very optimistic and always seem to find the positive of a situation, even when in the back of my head I may be cussing myself out for doing some dumb shit.

The purpose of this particular blog is to kind of provide some advice to folks on the whole skeletons in the closet thing. Far more times than often, I've seen where people have remained friends, associates, etc. with someone simply because that person knew so much about them or their past. They feel trapped. They feel as if I must keep a certain connection with this person because the moment that I excommunicate myself with them, they will tell everything they know. They will let those skeletons on out of my closet and I don't want that. I honestly felt like this up until recently.

It comes a point when you have to realize that life is an ongoing lesson. Each day you are subject to experiencing different things and learning different lessons. You won't always get it right and you may sometimes do things you aren't proud of, but that's life. At least, you can say you've done it and it's taught you something. But, when you continue to hold on to these folks simply because you are scared of what they may release you are giving them control and power over your life. Each day you are walking on egg shells, being fake or phony, just to hopefully keep them from releasing these bones.

You can't allow someone to have that much control over your life. What doesn't kill you, will only make you a stronger person. If they aren't good for you, get them out your life. If they let the bones out the closet, at least you no longer have them holding anything over top of your head. What people don't realize too often is that once the skeletons fall out the closet, they will lay there for a minute for folks to observe and then will be swept up and thrown away. Meaning people may be in shock, disappointed, mad or whatever it may be for the moment. But, life goes on and it will be old news within minimal time.

Moral of the story, you make your life decisions, not anyone else. Never let someone feel they have power over you because of something they feel they have hanging over your head. The only people you need in your life, are the ones that need you in theirs. And if they aren't helping you, they are probably hurting your personal growth in some way.

A Drunken Mind, Speaks A Sober Heart

I can remember since about the age of 13 hearing my older relatives often speak the phrase, "A drunken mind will speak a sober heart." I often wondered what the hell wee these folks talking about. How could a heart be anything other than sober and why would your mind be drunk? It wasn't until later on in life, that I discovered the meaning behind this phrase that I had been hearing throughout my adolescent years.

What the phrase means is basically that a person is able to say exactly what they are thinking, how they feel or what's in their heart when they are under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs. Often times people, men especially, are afraid of being vulnerable and/or expressing their true feelings toward issues, but get them drunk or high and they can be some of the most emotional beings you've ever witnessed.

The hard part is often determining, is this how they feel or if they are acting out of anger or spite. Or perhaps they are just really drunk and speaking out their ass. I think you are able to determine which of the choices it is by the way they deliver the content, the emotion in it and body language.

The sad part is that you can never get this same raw, uncensored, true emotion and dialogue from some people unless they are in a state of inebriation. I remember judging a person’s feelings for me off of how they acted and what they would say to me when they were drunk, simply because that was the only time they would open up. Sucks huh?

So do you agree with the phrase? Does it bother you that the only time you can get someone’s real feelings out, is when they are drunk? Should you take what a drunken person says seriously? Are these words actually coming from the heart? What are your thoughts?

What Makes A Healthy Realtionship?

Wassup Readers! I hope you enjoyed and learned something from my last post. I was requested to blog about a specific issue and because I love my followers, readers, etc. I'm granting the request. Enjoy!

I was asked to blog about, whether or not I would talk, date, enter into a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with some type of incurable, long-term, or terminal disease; cancer, HIV, Lupus, Diabetes, etc. The following paragraphs are solely my personal views and take on the situation; you know yourself better than anyone and should make the decision best for you. I picked this title because a persons physical health isn't what necessarily makes the relationship unhealthy? There's a lot of other things that can be changed, that often times make the relationship unhealthy.

When getting to know people, more than often we don't necessarily ask questions about the person’s health. And if you are just getting to know someone then I personally don't feel that they are obliged to divulge their entire medical history to you. Now, when you begin actually dating and becoming intimate, I do believe that if there is any chance of the person potentially acquiring something from the other person, then it should be discussed prior.

Once this is disclosed, you then have to figure out a few things. One, before learning of the person’s health situation, were you really into them and wanted to pursue a relationship with them? Are you prepared for the task of possibly having to help them during times when their illness has them feeling under the weather? Are you able to deal with trips to the doctor/hospital if they occur? Are you prepared to possibly alter some of the activities that you normally participate in with your partner, if need be?

If you can handle these things and really like the person, than I say go for it, I would. I remember someone asking on twitter, "Would you date someone who had HIV?" My answer was yes because if I honestly like the person and am feeling them, then why not. If you are taking the proper precautions that you should be taking anyway, then what is the difference? I think a lot of folks have messed with people that may have some sort of illness and just never bothered to ask, therefore not knowing and ASSUMING that they are fine. So in one sense, it is almost easier when you know what you are dealing with, because you're not taking chances and getting caught up. Everyone deserves to be loved and if you are truly feeling someone than I don't think that certain things should play too big of a position in you continuing to. Research and find out about whatever the illness is and prepare yourself ahead of time. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't feel everyone is strong enough to deal with certain situations, but for those that are, go for it. Cancer, Lupus, HIV, Diabetes, etc., are not death sentences in this day and age and so it is possible for the two of you to have a healthy, long lasting relationship still. Don't miss out on someone that makes you happy and you can build something with, if you are able to deal with the situation at hand.

I'd love to see some of the responses of my readers of this. Would you date or pursue a relationship with someone who had some sort of illness? Why or Why not?

Stereotypes & Misconceptions

This entry will be a little different than any other blog entry I've posted thus far. As, you read, you may or may not agree. Enjoy.

For about as long as there have been people of different sizes, ethnicities, races, genders, sexualities and economic classes, there's been stereotypes. Stereotypes are developed when people generalize a group of similar individuals after observing or hearing of them doing something or acting out in some manner and then begin associating all similar people with those actions. Many people argue, "Some stereotypes are true", when in actuality they are not. In order for it to be true every person that you are labeling under that umbrella must have those same actions and or behavior that you are accusing the mass amount of people of.

Stereotypes are ignorant no matter who they are generalizing and pointing the blame to. We are all guilty of unconsciously stereotyping someone at some point in time, but what I'm writing about is the blatant ignorance and misunderstanding of those who know exactly what they are saying when stereotyping and labeling someone.

To move on to my entry for today, lately I've been receiving messages, reading on social networks and have had conversations with friends regarding the negative connotation associated with participants and patrons of the Ballroom Community. For my readers who are unaware of what the Ballroom Community is, please refer to www.youtube.com and type in Paris Is Burning. Or try googling LGBT Ballroom community or something of the sort. Any who, I've observed more than often, that when people find out that people are participants of Ballroom, also commonly called; ballroom kids, house kids, house queens, etc., they're attitude and demeanor towards them shifts in a negative way. People often associate Ballroom participants with crafting (credit card fraud, stealing, identity theft), being flamboyantly gay, having a lack of education, being unemployed, being drug users or working as prostitutes and escorts. In no way am I saying that the aforementioned things don't take place in the Ballroom Scene, but it is not done by everyone. In addition, I know many heterosexual and homosexual people that are non-ballroom that fit under many of those same categories.

The part that I find most funny about this topic, well not funny, but more so sad, is that the main people who judge, ridicule and/or shun the ballroom community are homosexuals themselves. Homosexuals are oppressed people as is, but yet they are broken down further to be oppressed by thee oppressed. I've heard some of the most feminine boys say "that's too gay for me", referring to the ballroom scene. Then, I see the same feminine boy in booty short and dancing bent over at the club. I like to refer to this as the "your gay is, gayer than mine" syndrome. This is when you have a homosexual judging another as if they are better because of some type of masculinity or other characteristic that they feel they have over the other homosexual that makes them better. It doesn't, you're both homosexuals.

The problem is actually the fact that they don't understand the ballroom scene or either just don't feel it's for them. These are two totally different things. If you find the scene is not for you and choose not to participate that is your choice. The problem comes in when people who don't understand it or choose not to participate want to judge the folks that do choose to. In most cases, these people have never attended a ball or met some of the quality people within the scene. But, because of what they've heard and seen a few ballroom participants do, they feel they have it all figured out and US all summed up.

It's funny because I received an anonymous message that stated, "You are so sexy, too bad you’re a house kid." I laughed profusely after reading the message and was puzzled as to why that was too bad and who was it too bad for? Surely not me. I'm sure this person knows nothing more about me than I'm cute and in the ballroom scene. Not knowing that while I'm participating in the ballroom scene and conquering my category, I'm also conquering life in the real world. I have my own and ask no one for anything, have a Bachelor's, not living at home, never been in legal troubles other than traffic violations, etc. But, yet all he seen was ballroom scene and labeled me as a pity. And I'm not the only one. Ballroom houses some of the most talented, educated, gifted, successful and creative people that I've ever met. His mistake.

I say all this to say, that you cannot generalize a whole group or population of people based off your experiences, observations or hearsay that has occurred in some. When you generalize and stereotype you are the one who looks ignorant, not them. The reason we will never be able to get anything done as a community is because we are too busy ripping each other apart to try and make ourselves look better. You've been oppressed yourself, so why oppress the folks going through the same struggles as you. This is no different than Black people and the whole light skin and dark skin issue.

Wake up people, ignorance is blast.

Baggage

With the new year rapidly approaching, I've heard and seen many people discuss new years resolutions, gym plans and weight loss objectives, etc. I haven't heard pratically anyone discuss baggage. I know many of you at this point are like WTF is he typing about now, but just hear me, well in this case, read me out.

Every year we sit around and discuss the changes that we plan to make in the new year. What we will do and what we won't. What we'll eat and what we won't. But, whoever says, "I'm going to let xyz know how I feel about them and what they did to me and finally be at peace with myself. Forgive them and start the new year fresh, without the baggage I'm carrying of having hostility towards them or some sort of redemption." What people don't realize is that while you are devoting so much attention to not liking someone, they're enjoying their day not thinking about you, or possibly not even knowing they did or didn't do something wrong.

I remember reading this chain letter email of a speech by T.D. Jakes titled, "Let It Go". It basically talks about not holding on to things and letting them go. It explains basically reinterates the age old saying that "if it's meant to be, it'll be." But, then also says that sometimes it's just not for you and you need to just "LET IT GO." It talks about not holding on to friends that, aren't aren't friends, etc.

So transitioning into the new year let's not focus so much on what we plan to do when it arrives and concentrate more on the steps to take to make sure it doesn't end up like every other year. So leave the excess baggage in 2009, not allowing it to weigh you down.

A new year, brings a new beginning. A new milestone, a chance for you to recreate and rebuild.

A Man Scorned

So as we become closer to facing the dawn of another year, 2010. I find myself still left with a new years resolution, if you will, that has yet to have been accomplished from the year before. Anyone, that is familiar with my blog knows that my blog focuses primarily on love, relationships and any and everything inbetween. And so does last years resolution. There's an old saying that goes like this "it takes two times the amount of time to fall out of love with someone, than it took to fall in love with them." This is so true and while I can say that I did accomplish my resolution for the most part because I have stuck to not looking back, as far as the physical goes. Somewhere almost a year later, there's emotional or psychological ties that still aren't completely gone. I know that I'm not definitely still in love, but the love I have is still stronger than need be. Nonetheless, that isn't what this entry is about.

So keeping in mind the above text, as I've laid in the bed the last few nights, I've thought about and even tweeted about my vengence, scornful ways and resentment that I now hold towards a certain someone and towards a species in general for the most part. I can honestly say after sitting back and evaluating things that I have categorized a whole species of people based off of not just one persons downfalls, but others that I've came in contact with, as well as some of my own actions. The resentment that I hold towards this person, I'm choosing to let go because until I'm willing to let that go, I can't truly move on without blaming the next.

I hate the fact that I've become this type of dude, a "maneater" if you will. It's hard for me at this point to show emotion for the fear of being hurt again. Instead, it's so much easier to just focus on the physical and as long as I keep it at that level, I feel I'm safe with nothing to worry about. "Get them, before they get you", is how some people see it. Please don't get me wrong, it's not that I haven't actually been feeling some of the folks I've come in contact with, but my past experience has a way of rearing it's fuckin' head and I see some type of similarity and I instantly "flip out", I guess you could say and then I shut down. It's like I almost don't know how to take someone that is genuinely caring about me and wanting to get to know me. I turn into this evil azz person if you try and get too close and it's not cool. But, my guards are only up, because they were once so far down. I take compliments as someone running game and instantly consider how to make sure that they don't get the best of me. It's crazy!

I can't believe I'm typing this and still am unsure if I will actually publish this cause I've never gotten this personal and eXposed this much of my life for complete strangers and well known associates as well to read. But, as I sat here and considered the folks whom I may have had a similar effect on I guess this was my way of getting it all out and somewhat giving an apology or an explanation of myself and why I act like I do.

So now that I've analyzed the situation and realize that I can't or shouldn't just keep making others pay for someone else's mistakes or loss, what's next? I mean it just seems so much easier to say it, then to do it. Like it's extremely difficult to just block out the similar patterns, the kind ways, miserable friends, ex's, early morning phone calls, "the too good to be true" type shyt, etc. I guess it's a take it one day at a time type of thing and try to remember that I can't blame the next one, for the last mistake. Just as I preached not to blame me for the last ones and hold me to those standards.

The Grass Isn't Always Greener

Often times it seems as if we as humans are always looking for the next best thing. Unable to just appreciate and be happy with what or who it is that we already have in our possession. This is not necessarily always a bad trait, depending on what it is pertaining to because in life you should always strive for better. However, when it comes to dating and relationships, this is not always the case. In addition, what might seem “better” is not always necessarily that.

A quote that comes to mind is, “everything that glitters, isn’t gold.” The reason I mentioned this is because far too often, people are caught up on the physical appearance of things and do not see things for what they really are. I can wrap an empty box up in the prettiest wrapping paper with a big red bow, nonetheless once you rip off that outer layer; it is still an empty box. This was stated to say, that once you get past the cute surface of a person, there is not always more to know on the inside. The sad part is some will risk being happy and loving the person they’re with, for that shiny box. I’ve been there before and many shiny boxes down the line, I got the point.

Another great quote, which deals with this issue, is, “the grass is not always greener on the other side.” This quote speaks volumes about life, love and relationships. People are so quick to throw away what they have with the idea that they are going to gain so much more from the next. A cute face, phat ass, nice body, full lips, etc. are all great features, but after all that what do you really have?

There’s a rule called the 80/20 rule, I am almost certain I’ve typed about it in a past blog, but am not positive. Any who, the 80/20 rule can be described as the following. Choosing to remain or pick the person that is giving you 80% of what you want and/or need to complete you; physical, emotional, spiritual, etc. Versus choosing the 20, which is only giving you 20% of what you want and/or need; generally fulfilling a simple aspect that your current isn’t.

I believe a big part of this is also greed and the human notion that we want what we cannot have. Well not necessarily can’t have, but have to work towards. We love a chase, but is that chase worth risking losing your current love? It is so much easier to take the time and get that 80% to 100%, by working on that 20% area that you’re having problems in. Rather than, take a chance on someone that is only 20% satisfying and has 80% of nothing to offer to you.

Hopefully, I’ve shed some light on the situation and have helped some folks out or at least enlightened. Remember, beauty fades, so if that’s what you’re chasing after, you will be running all your life. Find someone who satisfies you in every aspect. Much Love.